Unfortunately I have to find a new home for my six year old Mountain Lion named Biscuit. He has been a huge part of my life but sadly he also has taken a liking to eating the life I've made. On Thanksgiving my son got into the dinner that my wife had specially made just for Biscuit and my son got bit in the face, arm, and some other parts. Might not have been a big deal if the "Local" Fox station channel got a hold of it and turned it into the "top news story" on Sunday night. Anyway, animal control is going to seize Biscuit and put him to sleep if I can't relocate it out of the county. In case you didn't already figure it out, this is a wild creature; very loving, affectionate, he really likes people and relies on them for food and attention... But don't be a damn tard-muffin; you're on this cats menu! Just like my son's forehead, your body parts will fit in his mouth and can be used as food.
Best Features of Biscuit:
- Even if you're a bachelor, you'll finally have an excuse to buy a Costco Membership. Trust me you will need it, this cat can eat about a hundred pounds of meat a week.
- You can put a sign in your yard that says "Beware of Cat!" and it will be applicable. (He only bluff charges the fence, hasn't jumped it yet.)
- Will eat all the squirrels in your yard! (not the tails though, you'll find tails all over the house)
- Like my family has had for years, you'll be able to finally send the best damn Christmas Cards your friends have ever received! When Biscuit is in the picture, your shit will end up on even your least favorite co-workers fridge!
- I can promise you will never have to sweep the kitchen floor again! This cat loves to chase and hunt floor snacks. Also, you cannot leave meat, Cool Ranch Doritos, or Honey Roasted Peanuts on the counter unattended.
- In the six years I've had Biscuit, there hasn't been a Mormon Missionary or Jehovah Witness brave enough to step onto my property.
- If you have a bunch of hippie neighbors that like to think they can play guitar, Biscuit will growl until they stop playing. The dirty patchouli oil soaked dicks that live next door and always try and trade one of their ugly ass "hand made necklaces" for eggs or milk at the local farmers market; no longer spend their evenings playing their God-danged mistuned guitars on the porch, thanks to Biscuit.
- This cat will eat all tampons; I haven't had to look at a disgusting vagina filter in my bathroom garbage can for years.
Problems with Biscuit:
- He has started fu#*ing biting kids!
- When he's on your lap and purring really, really, hard, it will bring you to an uninvited orgasm! My wife and I have both experienced this shameful situation. Neither of us is proud of it but I suspect my wife has enjoyed this activity a few more times than myself. (Our battery budget has been virtually nonexistent for several years.)
- I travel a lot for business and every time I leave, Biscuit tries to follow me. We have had to replace roughly 100+ window screens since 2008.
- He constantly smells like he has pissed himself. Unless its winter time this cat smells like it has been out partying at R. Kelly's house.
- Good luck trying to give him a bath! I tried to give Biscuit a bath in October and thanks to my cat's handy work I didn't even have to buy a costume this year. Instead of dressing up I just went out as a 14 year old emo kid who sucks at suicide.
- Whenever Biscuit gets sprayed by a skunk I have to make him drink about 40 ounces of Nyquil so I can soak him in tomato sauce. Again, a reason you will need the Costco Membership. Tomato sauce will eventually ruin your bathtub and or, your marriage. Also, buy a kitty pool, because this is a problem that will happen more than once. Save your marriage, treat owning this cat like you're in the Army Reserves and plan on spending one weekend a month washing the skunk smell out of Biscuit.
Please be considerate when emailing me about Biscuit. I'm not asking for any money for him, I just want to know he's going to a safe home where he will be happy. If you happen to be white trash, have kids, and your family enjoys ribs frequently; I won't give him to you. Odds are, your dumbass will be on the Dr. Phil show in about two months and I'll have a lawsuit on my hands. Also, this is not a good pet for your frat house, Biscuit gets along well with males and females, but I know it would be a matter of time before one of you Old Crow drinking bastards pulls on his tail or forces him into a three-some, and somebody will lose a wiener; it probably wont be Biscuit.
Merry Christmas and thanks for considering adding Biscuit to your family. I will respond promptly to qualified potential owners.