Unfortunately I have to find a new home for my six year old Mountain Lion named Biscuit. He has been a huge part of my life but sadly he also has taken a liking to eating the life I've made. On Thanksgiving my son got into the dinner that my wife had specially made just for Biscuit and my son got bit in the face, arm, and some other parts. Might not have been a big deal if the "Local" Fox station channel got a hold of it and turned it into the "top news story" on Sunday night. Anyway, animal control is going to seize Biscuit and put him to sleep if I can't relocate it out of the county. In case you didn't already figure it out, this is a wild creature; very loving, affectionate, he really likes people and relies on them for food and attention... But don't be a damn tard-muffin; you're on this cats menu! Just like my son's forehead, your body parts will fit in his mouth and can be used as food.

Best Features of Biscuit:

• Even if you're a bachelor, you'll finally have an excuse to buy a Costco Membership. Trust me you will need it, this cat can eat about a hundred pounds of meat a week.

• You can put a sign in your yard that says "Beware of Cat!" and it will be applicable. (He only bluff charges the fence, hasn't jumped it yet.)

• Will eat all the squirrels in your yard! (not the tails though, you'll find tails all over the house)

• Like my family has had for years, you'll be able to finally send the best damn Christmas Cards your friends have ever received! When Biscuit is in the picture, your shit will end up on even your least favorite co-workers fridge!

• I can promise you will never have to sweep the kitchen floor again! This cat loves to chase and hunt floor snacks. Also, you cannot leave meat, Cool Ranch Doritos, or Honey Roasted Peanuts on the counter unattended.

• In the six years I've had Biscuit, there hasn't been a Mormon Missionary or Jehovah Witness brave enough to step onto my property.

• If you have a bunch of hippie neighbors that like to think they can play guitar, Biscuit will growl until they stop playing. The dirty patchouli oil soaked dicks that live next door and always try and trade one of their ugly ass "hand made necklaces" for eggs or milk at the local farmers market; no longer spend their evenings playing their God-danged mistuned guitars on the porch, thanks to Biscuit.

• This cat will eat all tampons; I haven't had to look at a disgusting vagina filter in my bathroom garbage can for years.

Problems with Biscuit:

• He has started fu#*ing biting kids!

• When he's on your lap and purring really, really, hard, it will bring you to an uninvited orgasm! My wife and I have both experienced this shameful situation. Neither of us is proud of it but I suspect my wife has enjoyed this activity a few more times than myself. (Our battery budget has been virtually nonexistent for several years.)

• I travel a lot for business and every time I leave, Biscuit tries to follow me. We have had to replace roughly 100+ window screens since 2008.

• He constantly smells like he has pissed himself. Unless its winter time this cat smells like it has been out partying at R. Kelly's house.

• Good luck trying to give him a bath! I tried to give Biscuit a bath in October and thanks to my cat's handy work I didn't even have to buy a costume this year. Instead of dressing up I just went out as a 14 year old emo kid who sucks at suicide.

• Whenever Biscuit gets sprayed by a skunk I have to make him drink about 40 ounces of Nyquil so I can soak him in tomato sauce. Again, a reason you will need the Costco Membership. Tomato sauce will eventually ruin your bathtub and or, your marriage. Also, buy a kitty pool, because this is a problem that will happen more than once. Save your marriage, treat owning this cat like you're in the Army Reserves and plan on spending one weekend a month washing the skunk smell out of Biscuit.

Please be considerate when emailing me about Biscuit. I'm not asking for any money for him, I just want to know he's going to a safe home where he will be happy. If you happen to be white trash, have kids, and your family enjoys ribs frequently; I won't give him to you. Odds are, your dumbass will be on the Dr. Phil show in about two months and I'll have a lawsuit on my hands. Also, this is not a good pet for your frat house, Biscuit gets along well with males and females, but I know it would be a matter of time before one of you Old Crow drinking bastards pulls on his tail or forces him into a three-some, and somebody will lose a wiener; it probably wont be Biscuit.

Merry Christmas and thanks for considering adding Biscuit to your family. I will respond promptly to qualified potential owners.

Thanks,

Chris

Found bag of pot outside of Safeway (Aurora)

denver craigslist > community > lost & found
________________________________________
Date: 2010-06-21, 7:55PM MDT
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here
________________________________________

If you recently got high, went to Safeway, and then panicked seeing a after seeing a rent-a-cop and ditched your bag of dope; don’t worry, I picked it up for you. Please email and describe the bag and amount of pot you lost. Also, better yet, at least make sure to include the Safeway in which you lost your pot at.
I would so love to read a hundred or so emails describing something like, “Uhh, I think you found my pot. It was a clear sand which bag, with green pot in it.” But, I want this weed to make it back to its rightful owner.


Thanks,


Charles
• Location: Aurora
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

E39 BMW For Sale

Up for sale, Silver E39 BMW, full wrap tint, black leather interior.
Are you tired of reading misleading vehicle ads on Craigslist? People claiming that their car is in “Perfect Condition” or “mostly highway miles” or “only needs a little TLC!” This ad will be brutally honest, because like yourself I have driven all the way across town only to find that the vehicle is nothing like what the ad would have lead you believe.

For starters this car is extremely reliable, all maintenance has been on time, and this car has been driven well. By that I mean it has been driven at high speeds both on surface streets and off road. (Yes, this car can climb hills; but only if you floor it and charge the hill in reverse.)

Positive stats:
It’s a BMW, so you can look like a baller “even if you’re on a budget”

•Additionally, studies have shown that more people have sex in BMW’s than any other car manufacturer. “Don’t worry, I just found this out a couple months ago, and frankly I don’t like having sex in the car.” So if you purchase this vehicle you won’t have to worry about your girlfriend or boyfriend asking why the backseat of your car looks like it had a vanilla milkshake explode in it.

• BMW Statistics
• BMW Statistics 2


•Speaking of the backseat, it has the ski package option so you can put your skis or board in the trunk without having to fold the seats down. If you decide to fold the seats down, it has a ton of room! Last October I hauled an Elk that I shot in NE Utah all the way back to my house in Denver.

•All electronics, windows, heat, AC, and speakers work great! Except for the driver’s seat control. The switch that adjusts the distance from your feet to the pedals is broken. So if you’re super short, or NBA tall; you probably won’t have a very enjoyable test drive. If you’re around 5’11 this seat locked in the perfect position for you!

•The Halo Angel Eye headlights on this car are amazing! The previous owner had them installed and they are a lifesaver when you’re driving drunk in the woods at night.

•Audio in this car is incredible; BMW gets points in my book for not skimping on the quality of speakers and amplifier.

•This car is a ton of fun to drive for the price!

•It has a tape deck and it makes cool robot sounds.

•Allegedly Billy Mays did a bunch of blow of the dashboard of this car with the previous owner. I can’t confirm this fact, but there was a bottle of OxyClean that I found in the trunk after I purchased this vehicle.

•If you put a German Shepherd in the backseat of this car you can leave it unattended in the worst of neighborhoods. Nobody will mess with it.

•No tears or rips in the leather!

Negative Stats:

•Like I said, the driver’s seat doesn’t move back and forth. However, the seat tilt adjust switch still works along with Lumbar support settings.

•This car still has the original shocks on it. If you drive down a crappy street or a washboard dirt road, you are going to feel and hear it.

•The tint is super dark! Sometimes I have a hard time seeing out the windows at night, and that’s saying something considering I was raised by owls.

•Paint is peeling on the rear BMW Logo.

•The corners of the polarized side mirrors are fading.

•It really needs a wheel balance.

•It has almost 208k on it. I haven’t had any major problems with it, but someday it will.

•The window regulators on this car are shit. I’ve already replaced two of them, someday one of them will let you down as well. Also, the front cup holders are built to break. I’ve replaced the cup holders once, and I have refused to do it again.

•Front tires will need to be replaced next season, rear tires are great and still have lots of tread.

•This car will net you a lot of speeding tickets, unless you have jokes or you happen to be an attractive female.

•I took out the factory six disc changer from the trunk because it kept jamming up on me. You are welcome to have it, but it needs help.

•The two previous owners kept meticulous shop records on this car. I’ve done all necessary repairs to this car since I bought it in early 2009; so besides part receipts there is little documentation on repairs from the past 2+ years.

•This BMW has car Chlamydia, it leaks power steering fluid and I haven’t been able to locate the leak. Frankly, I’m burnt out on doing work to this car, it could be a bad hose coupling or more than likely, it’s the power steering pump reservoir. (The reservoir housings on the E39’s are notoriously weak-sauce and they break) If you add a few ounces every two weeks, it does fine.

•It also leaks windshield fluid, f-ing, “car Chlamydia.”

•This car has never been out drifting or raced a ¼ mile; but I have driven this thing hard. Trust me, you will do the same.

•The body is straight but it has a knife wound on the roof that has been painted over.
•Windshield is free of any cracks but it has a lot of road rash on it.

Please God, I’m not interested in any trades! I have enough cars as it is, and I’m not interested in trading a strong running vehicle for your “Fast and Furious” looking, busted ass, 1995 Honda Civic with a spoiler and tard lights on it, that “only needs an engine.” You should remember no matter how much money you throw at it, it’s still just a 95 Civic. Also, Kings and royalty of Nigeria, I’m not interested in selling my car to you. Chase bank will not accept your goat pelts, transgender tree frogs, or spicy weasel cheese as acceptable funds to deposit.
Please call or email to take this BMW for a test drive.

It would be greatly appreciated if you don’t text me. Attached is a link to the Kbb value, so you know exactly what features this car has. Also, I’m open to offers, just not ridiculous ones. I’m only selling this car so I can buy more Kangaroo food, if I don’t sell it, the Kangaroo will most likely die; so no pressure.

Keywords: Car or Clean title or Gas Station Wine or BMW or Sausage Farts or Submarine or Duck Feet or Ninja Car or Yard Sausage or Mullet Prevention or Car with Four Tires

1996 Honda Civic

Up for sale a very reliable 1996 Civic Honda Civic EX; equipped with an automatic transmission, ice cold air conditioner, and it only has 131k on it. I’ve owned this car since 2001 and it is incredibly reliable and has been well maintained.
Important Stats:
Get’s great MPG’s 26-32. When going downhill, this car can get almost 96 miles per gallon.
* It’s so light you’ll probably want to get

a kickstand or at least a bike lock for it. (It would be a huge step up from your Huffy.)
* This Civic will get you out of speeding tickets! Every time a cop pulls you over just call him out when he approaches the window and say “you thought I was a sixteen year old girl didn’t you?” Works every time! He won’t give you a ticket; but since were in Denver, he will probably punch your face.
* If you are purchasing this car for a son or daughter and are worried about your kid getting busy in the backseat; you can rest assured. The backseat is so cramped that the worst thing that could happen is someone might get a sprained wrist.
* As you may know, the 6th generation Civic was designed by Jacque Fresco, and was assembled deep in the Kootenay Mountain range in Canada, by Ewoks. (This car is awesome!)
* Its front wheel drive so when you put snow tires on it… Its’ still a 96 Honda Civic, with front wheel drive. (Seriously though, it does well on the snow and ice)
* This car is so fast that a Cheetah has stolen it twice.
* When seen in this car, Clowns will always give you their phone number. (Assuming you’re a 16 year old girl. results may vary)
* It is a deterrent of Transformers. I haven’t seen a single Transformer since I’ve owned this car. Transgender people are however attracted to it, so be warned if you let them in. (Shame levels will most certainly vary)
* There are over a million reasons why this car is incredible. But the fact remains that if you read this ad all the way through, so you should probably just come take the car for a test ride. As it did to me, this car will embrace and capture your heart like a hug from kitten.
Please call to schedule an appointment.
XXX_XXX_XXXX

Bag of Rap Snacks!

craigslist > for sale / wanted > household items > create posting
Your posting will expire from the site in 45 days. [ logged in as cdougyj@gmail.com ] [ logout ]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please review and confirm your ad by cdougyj@gmail.com for denver craigslist.
denver craigslist > for sale / wanted > household items
Bag of Rap Snacks! - $20 (Denver)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2011-07-17, 4:44PM MDT
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Bag of Rap Snacks!

That's right son! Limited edition bag of Rap Snacks, and they're not delicious. Most importantly, the bag is labeled as "Dirt McGirt A.K.A Ol Dirty Bastard Sour Cream and Onion."

Fucking Yum! The bag says "Best by 8/9/07" that shit is probably correct.

Nutrition Facts:

Serving Size: 1 Fucking Bag!

Amount per Serving

Calories 190 or something Calories from Fat: You should've gone to Subway

Total Fat "Enough to kill a midget"

Saturated Fat 1.5g (Not Bad Right?)

Sodium %1000 "There is so much salt, tomorrow your gonna look Asian"

Cholesterol 0% "How the Fuck Did That Happen?!?!?"

Total Carbohydrate 19g "Lance Armstrong Eats These."

Dietary Fiber 1g "It's good for your guts"

Sugars 1g "Not enough"

Protein 2g "Yup!"

Vitamin A% Did you forget they were called Rap Snacks, it's not Vegetable Snacks. The answer is Zero!

Vitamin C 4% (Shit, they beat Country Time?)

Calcium 2%



If you eat thinking about eating this expired bag of chips, your ass will probably get diabetes. Or worse, if you're in midst of reading that Twilight garbage, you will probably turn into an Emo-Wolf. Whatever you decide to do with these non-nutritional snacks, I would advise not eating them.

Additional Possible Outcomes of Eating Expired Rap Snacks:

You might turn into Ol' Dirty Bastard. "I've seen this documentary called Chucky a few times, and I'm pretty sure that's how the doll got infected. Don't eat strange, expired, or gray-market chips.

If you eat a whole bag of Rap Snacks, you have a free pass to try Meth. (Just once though)

Don't smoke them. "Trust me; my buddy now has a learning disability."

Finishing a whole bag could also help you take 1st place on Jeopardy. For best results, eat a can of "Alphabet Soup" prior to appearing on the show.

If you are interested, call 911, and let the authoritys know that you are a special needs person.


•Location: Denver
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Free Angora Goats: (Denver)

Free Angora Goats: (Denver)
________________________________________
Date: 2011-04-17, 9:59AM MDT
Reply to: comm-syfwh-2330408723@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
________________________________________

If you are interested in filing a claim with your auto insurance provider, or you feel like shelling out a bunch of money to an auto body shop, like I’m about to; I have the perfect goats for you. Yes these pictures were taken this week; and yes that is my car hood being destroyed by these tard-muffin goats.

Last month I inherited my Uncles house when he passed away, and along with his house, I now am the not so proud owner of two Angora Goats; (named Zy and Scape) get it? Yes, my Uncle was that much of a smartass, and I miss the hell out his sense of humor. Moving forward, I also inherited a now dead turkey, in a turkey cage. (So if you would like a dead turkey in a cage, please stop by the house ASAP, because it passed away last night and will probably start to smell soon.) It looks like a raccoon got a hold of it; or one of the goats decided to try out being a carnivore for a night and bit its right leg off.

I should also warn you that these goats do not get along with other animals. My late Uncles dog (named Sausage) has been living with these goats for five years and the three of them still fight every time they get the chance. Seriously, it sounds like Michael Vicks’s basement, when those goats get out of their pen.

Please contact me if you would like to pick these goats up. Oh, and if you are planning on cooking these goats, by having some sort of awesome “goat roast” and you’re willing to invite me over for said goat roast; you get first dibs, and I’ll bring coleslaw.


Please email me if you pick them up this week.


Thanks!

• Location: Denver
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Car In Need Of Detailing

We are looking for someone with a strong stomach who can give the inside of our Infiniti G35 a serious cleaning. Last Thursday my wife gave birth to our first child, and it’s a boy. (Hooray!) Unfortunately, while we were out running errands, her water broke, and there is literally placenta, birthing juices, and blood, all over the front passenger seat. To make matters worse, when I tried to take a picture of the interior for this posting I threw up on the driver’s seat and in the side compartment.

I can field dress a deer without batting an eye, but looking at the interior of this car really sets my stomach off. No exaggeration, the passenger’s side of the car looks like a bunch of slugs had a bloody orgy on a pile of chopped meat, and then died. If you can get the chunks and the stains out, I will gladly pay you $500 for your brave efforts. We will provide whatever cleaning supplies you need along with gloves and a shop vac.
Please email me to schedule a time to take a look at this project.